Wormburner Weekly

Welcome to the inaugural issue of golf's most disreputable newsletter! This is the place for double digit handicappers everywhere to take inordinate joy in the folly of the golf gods, pick up a tip to shave that ridiculous 113 you shot last week to a 'respectable' 112, and learn precious little about the game a wiser fool would have given up the moment you cracked that pitching wedge over your knee. Lucky for us, two of golf's best provided us with excellent fodder for the soon to be legendary first issue. Let's get into it.

This week's worm is none other than Rory McIlroy, though it was a tight race given what was happening on the leaderboard all weekend.

Rory co-led the Genesis Scottish Open after 36 holes. The world number two. Six major championships. Back to back Masters titles. A man who gets paid obscene amounts of money to be exceptional at golf, in a world of exceptional golfers.

After a rough go in the third round Rory made a run to get within 2 of the leaders multiple times on Sunday. Then came the 16th hole. He pulled his second shot 6-iron well left of the green and into the fescue. What followed was the soundbite of the year from the Northern Irishman, words that I have spit out once a round since my grandmother bought me my first pair of golf club undies:

"Oh my God, I'm so bad at golf."

Watch Rory's reaction here. Audio required for full effect

Rory. RORY. You have six majors. A career grand slam. You are not bad at golf. Except you were. On that shot. We feel ya.

For one glorious Sunday afternoon on the Scottish coast, Rory McIlroy was one of us. We see you brother. We feel that in our soul every single Saturday morning.

He managed bogey with an incredible recovery shot (of course he did), fell three shots back with two to play, and that was that. Tom Kim waltzed off with the trophy while Rory packed his bags for Royal Birkdale next week where he will inevitably remind everyone that he is, in fact, not bad at golf.

Until next time Rory. The Worm of the Week is yours. Wear it with pride.

Oh and in case you missed it, the world number one said almost the exact same thing on the same day on the same golf course. Apparently, Scotland has a way of making even the best in the world feel like the rest of us.

Let's face facts. You are never going to hit your driver 320 yards down the middle of the fairway. Not with any consistency. Not ever, would be a better way to phrase that. Neither am I.

But here's something we CAN do. Learn to make the real money shots. We're talking about sinking putts. The part of the game that requires zero athleticism, costs nothing to practice, and is the fastest way to actually lower your score.

Here's one of my favorite drills. Grab some tees and head to the practice green:

Place a tee at 3 feet from the hole, another at 6 feet, and one at 9 feet on a relatively flat, straight line to the cup. Use your putter as a measuring guide, a standard putter is roughly 3 feet long.

Now make 3 putts in a row from 3 feet. Miss one? Start over. Once you drain 3 straight from 3 feet, step back to 6 feet and make 3 more in a row. Miss one? Start over, yes, back to the 3 foot mark. String together 3 from 3 feet AND 3 from 6 feet? Step back to 9 feet and make 3 in a row from there. The goal is 9 consecutive putts without a miss. Every single miss sends you back to the beginning.

On the way to losing all your hair, snapping your putter over your knee and seriously considering giving up this ridiculous game, you will become deadly from 3 feet. You'll improve noticeably from 6 feet. And from 9 feet? You'll sink one out of every 50, which was previously a physical impossibility and you know it.

Happy putting. You're gonna need it.

Pro tip: Once you've mastered the flat line, move your line to a slope and watch your progress evaporate instantly. Golf is Fun!

On this date in 2010, a 21-year-old kid from Northern Ireland by the name of Rory McIlroy walked onto the Old Course at St. Andrews and shot a 9-under 63 in the opening round of the British Open, tying the major championship record for the lowest round ever. The golf world sat up and took notice of a generational talent announcing himself on one of the biggest stages in the game.

Sixteen years later, that same Rory McIlroy is standing in a Scottish fairway muttering "Oh my God, I'm so bad at golf."

Golf is a humbling game, folks. It humbles everyone. Even the greats. And that, right there, is why we love it.

Presented by the Mush Master

For the uninitiated, "mush" is a wagering term for someone who has such profoundly bad luck that merely picking a player/team/horse guarantees their imminent collapse. (See the movie: A Bronx Tale).

This week the world's best gather at Royal Birkdale for the British Open Championship, and I have somehow convinced myself that the following players have a legitimate shot. I apologize to them all.

Matt Fitzpatrick — Fresh off inheriting the tour's longest active cut streak after Scheffler's Missed Cut last week, I like Fitzy’s chances. You probably shouldn’t.

Justin Rose — English guy, links golf, home crowd energy. My gut says yes. Did I mention my IBS?

Colin Morikawa — Won the Open Championship before. Statistically built for links golf. Statistically, I have yet to win a wager.

Wyndham Clark — I have absolutely no logical reason for this pick. That's usually when I'm most confident.

Ryan Gerard — Bold pick. Possibly too bold. Definitely too bold.

John Parry — I don't know much about John Parry. Perfect fit for my lineup.

Disclaimer: These picks are provided purely for entertainment purposes and, as a public service warning to serious DraftKings players: If you see my lineup, fade every single name on it. You'll thank me later.

A golfer stands over his ball for what feels like forever. He’s adjusting, re-adjusting, stepping back, looking at the green. His caddie finally says, "What's the problem?" The golfer says, "My wife is up there watching from the clubhouse. I want to make a perfect shot." The caddie nods. "Forget it. You'll never hit her from here.”

See ya next week, thanks for reading!